In honor of April Fool's Day, my journalistas decided to publish four pages of satire in their most recent newspaper. Here's but a sampling. Made me cry, I laughed so hard. Seriously.
As school drags on, the dogs come out.
This year the school has taken security to the next level. First, they added cameras around our campus to catch skippers and keep our students safe; now they have a new threat for anyone breaking school rules: attack dogs.
“We thought the threat of flesh-eating dogs would keep the students in line,” said Stephen Bryce, head trainer at K-9 College of Training. “The administration thought it would be a good threat to stop skippers while ensuring they are safe.”
It is rare that security dogs kill; however, it has happened in the past. Bryce has been working for K-9 College of Training for more than two years now and in that time has only had to put down 47 dogs for killing a human.
“They are generally nice animals; just when they smell sweat or blood they lose it,” said Bryce. “I think they are just misunderstood.”
Many students are on board with the new program. They believe that skipping has gotten out of hand this year and they support the idea of tighter security.
“It’s about time the administration listens to what we want!” said junior Joy Totheworld. “The people who get lunch every day from their friends, fathers, or go themselves disgust me! Originally I was upset when they [administration] said 'no' to the SWAT team, but I guess the dogs will do the trick.”
On the other hand, younger, weaker students are afraid for their lives. They aren’t sure that having guard dogs is appropriate according to the school district's rules.
“I am afraid that these dogs will take away from my learning experience,” said Ima Freshman. “I have never skipped in my life, but I hear dogs prey on the weak...so I think I am right to be concerned.”
The dogs will be placed in strategic places near doors. The administration says they will not disclose where the dogs will be kept so as to keep the skippers guessing when they are trying to go out to get lunch.
The administration has also hired a new teacher to double as a security guard, to make sure the dogs are in top shape to perform their jobs efficiently.
“I am super excited to be working here,” said former NFL quarterback Michael Vick. “With the NFL being in a lockout I was afraid about my future next year. Thankfully, I have plenty of experience with dogs and was hired on the spot.”
The administration is very excited for the new changes happening here and can’t wait for the dogs to arrive. “It’s going to be a great new start for me and a good way to keep skippers in school,” said Vick.