Monday, February 15, 2010

To Whom It May Concern...


Nana's Kitchen

Dear Google:

Hi there! Melissa B., The Scholastic Scribe, here. You may remember me as the gal whose site shot up to the top of your Google Index within 2 weeks of commencing this bloggy adventure in March 2008. You also might recall that I'm the one who spends much of her classroom time urging her cherubs to credit those whose snaps they steal from Google Images.

Well, I'm writing today with another mission in mind. I'm looking for a job & I hear you're hiring.

Brian Williams, in fact, mentioned you on his Nightly News program just last week. The great prognosticator of the airwaves (although not near as cute nor savvy as his predcessor, Tom Brokaw) told his viewers that y'all may just have about 2,000 openings, which is a whole herd of a lot.

Brian (we're on a first-name basis) then enumerated many of the "perks" that go with a Google job. Along with the great bennies (gold-carat health & retirement, for starters), you've got soooooo many fun things going on! Sign me up~pronto!~for the on-site hair salon, the company shuttle, the fitness classes, the massage therapy. I could go on, but y'all know what makes your company special, don'tcha?

So, I Googled Google to find out for myself. Well, hold on there, pardners! I had no idea that y'all had offices in so many locales. And several right up my alley, too. Any of the Cali sites would do splendidly. Or what about my favorite city in the U S of A~Austin, Tejas? If I wished to get all cozy & such with Ella Numera Una, I could work out of your Madison, WI office. And of course, you've probably heard that New York is my kinda town.

But I wouldn't need to labor in a glam location. You've set up shop in DC, which is just down the road from moi, & in the Northern Virgina suburbs. Google, when it comes to my needs, "convenience" should be your middle name!

I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a middle-aged mamasita & pretty darn cute. I teach high school English & Journalism, and have a flair for the written word. I've visited every continent save for Antarctica (but I'd go there on assignment, if you wish), and I raise a lot of Hell in the kitchen.

Now I was looking online at some of your openings. Let's face it~"software engineer" is pretty much out. So is "finance." Anything with numbers gives me the heebie-jeebies. "Enterprise" sounds promising, though, as do "Marketing," "Communications" & "Media." But I don't think you should consider me for any "Human Resources" openings. I may be too blunt to look a poor schmoe in the eye & let him know that he'd best consider "maximizing" his "abilities" elsewhere.

What I really have in mind, though, is something a tad more "out there." I'm a long-time Blogger user. In fact, I've never considered switching to another blogging platform. I find your service to be easy, user-friendly, intuitive & all I need to get my message out to the blogosphere.

But surely you've noticed that there are those out there in cyberspace who cry "Fie!" on Blogger & all it stands for. And there's been quite a trend, recently, of Blogger users switching to other platforms. I've come to think of blogging as a little like high school. I love my Toyota, but she drives a newer model, so I want that one. You know the drill.

That's where I would come in. I propose a little telecommunting gig. Appoint me to be your Blogger Ambassador. I'm thinking something along the lines of a cyber-Pioneer Woman, sans Marlboro Man & the 4 cute kiddos. I could cook for Blogger, shoot awesome snaps for Blogger, run giveaways for Blogger, counsel troubled cyber-souls for Blogger and, of course, blog for Blogger. I promise to develop a huMONgous pro-Blogger network, right here at Blogger Central~my little ol' desk in the corner of my little ol' basement in the little ol' DC suburbs.

I've even come up with a few "alter-egos" for my enterprise. "Cutting Edge Chica" comes to mind, but that's just a play on The PO & her ilk. "Mrs. Scribe's Tool Box" is another. Mr. Fairway suggested putting your name right up front & came up with "Google Girl" or "Blogger Babe." Those monikers smack more than slightly of sexism, though, don't you think?

I prefer emphasizing the less-obvious, softer, gentler side of my personality. Yes, we can flak Blogger & its attributes 'til the cows come home, but the best way to win friends & influence people, I say, is thru their stomachs.

"Nana's Kitchen" has a nice ring to it. Hit 'em where they live & you'll have 'em as customers for life.

'Cause as my Nana used to say, "I believe in the power of prayer & in the power of positive thinking. But most of all, in the power of pie."

Whaddaya say? I've got the energy, the enthusiasm...and, I've got the mad skilz, too.

I am forwarding you a copy of my résumé & references. Please note that I have not included my current employer. Don't want Principal Man to learn that I'm trying to abandon ship!

Here's Pie in Your Eye,

Melissa B.
The Scholastic Scribe


23 comments:

quilly said...

It would take some amazing PR to get me to give up the freedom of WP for the confines of Blogger. I don't think even you can do that Melissa. Sorry.

Oh, and WP actually has a help desk that can be contacted. They preply in person. And they usually reply within the hour. Blogger can't compete with that.

Alicia said...

i don't see how they couldn't hire you....shoot if they don't, i will :)

Elizabeth a.k.a. Type A Mommy said...

That's hilarious! I would definitely hire you, if I were Google. Oh, the things I would do if I were Google...but seriously, good work! They could use a Google Girl, you're absolutely right about a million people who are leaving Blogger! I was tempted, but I'm not willing to foot the bill that comes with it at the moment. Happy Monday to you!

Autumn in jeans said...

When I heard that icanhascheeseburger.com was hiring I came SO CLOSE to applying....then I learned they were based out of Washington state, and I'm way way way over here in South Carolina.....never mind! Lol. New York though, hmmmm...

It would be so cool to work for Google, they fire you though if you blog about work. (Don't they? Wasn't it them 2-3 years ago who got sued over that?) Idk I can't remember but I'm pretty sure it was in fact Google.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

Well, I'd hire you in a heartbeat!

But it would take an act of some powerful deity to get me to return to Blogger - I love having my own wp generated site, even if I do have to pay for it. Maybe I could mirror it though ;)

Great post! If you're serious - good luck! I bet you could get hundreds of references if they require them! :D

Christina Lee said...

HAH- larious!! I'd hire you ;)

BLOGitse said...

Great - I'd hire you right away!
What they need to improve is 'comment luv' type of link system -
how long we need to go to the actual blog via profile?! That's so stupid and takes extra time...

If you want more hints when you're Blogger Ambassador let me know! :)

BLOGitse

Jayde said...

Great cover letter! You do have a way with words. Hope you 'get the job'!

Tracie said...

If you work for Google you won't get all those snow days.

CelticLady said...

Haha, Love it!!
You are hired!! Now go get em!!!

Sarah said...

that will be a great place to work. they provide three meals a day free!

Susie said...

I wouldn't be surprised if you get a call:-)

The Blonde Duck said...

If you move to Austin, we have to hang out.

Mommie Daze said...

Google would be the best job ever! And I've had a crush on Tom Brokaw since I was 14.

June Freaking Cleaver said...

Oh, I wanna work there, too! We can telecommute together, but separately, ya know!

I'd like to write the help system for Blogger, and I'd even be willing to do telephone support - I'm like telephone Valium (I calm 'em down, talk 'em down from the ledge).

Jeanie said...

When Google finds just the right position for you, feel free to use me as a reference. Though your creativity alone should get you hired immediately.

JennyMac said...

I will totally be a reference for you!

Jill of Ark said...

Ha...such a flawless execution of wit and style! They'd be insane not to hire you.

By the way, once they do, I'll eagerly submit my resume to be your right-hand woman. I've debated switching to WP but Blogger is just so...Blogger.

Crystal said...

Very cute. :)

Visiting from SITS. :)

carma said...

do put me down as a reference :-) I went from blogger to wp and then back to blogger :-O -- who else has done that????

lifewithsweetpeaches said...

Oh, I'd totally hire you!

(Even though I love my WordPress blog, I'm halfway tempted to see what I'm missing over here on Blogger! )

http://dkzody.wordpress.com said...

Hate Blogger. Just wrote a lovely little scribble here and it would not let me post it because I was not logged into WP. I like you so will work hard to get this reply sent, but, and it's a big but, I often just pass on other Blogger blogs because they make replying so doggone hard.

miss jo said...

Great letter ! You'll get scooped up one way or another, if you don't start your own digital enterprise first ! It would be great if Google hired you at its HQ south of SF. You could take their FREE commuter bus from the City. Wonder if they serve breakfast while stuck in Higway 101 traffic ?

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