Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Senator (supposedly)-Elect Franken,


So, Big Doin's in Minny-SO-tah yesterday, huh? News reports say that you won the US Senate seat by a 225-vote landslide! I'm guessing you'll be coming out our way to claim your seat after your opponent, Norm Coleman, finishes dragging your campaign thru the mud & whatnot. Since there might be a chance that you're considering reprising your 15-some-odd years as a writer & performer on Saturday Night Live when you get here, I thought I'd offer you a little advice before you pack up the tobaggan & snomobile on out Washington Way.

First of all, you don't need to try to be funny anymore. There are 534 other Clowns in the United States Congress; and anyway, trying to crack a joke on Capitol Hill is like spittin' in the wind backwards, as my Uncle Ralph used to say. Plus, your old SNL buddies Dana Carvey, Mike Myers (although not so much anymore) & Jon Lovitz were much, much funnier than you, back in the day. My advice is to stay behind the scenes, as you were during the early SNL years. Try writing some lines for Harry Reed or Nancy Pelosi...some of those Suits up on Capitol Hill could use some better material!

Yes, we like our Senators serious out here. OK, you've received Emmys for your comedy writing, & I respect that, but playing a parody of a politician is so much more different than actually being a politician. Or is it? Wait, I'm confused. Everyone's a politician out here. Or a parody of themselves. OK, scratch that last tip. You might wish to bust out with a Stuart Smalley Skit during an occasional lull in the action...and you'll find there will be a lot of those in the daily dance of legislation.

Above all, shelve the old bits about Al-Anon, AA, Jerry Garcia & The Grateful Dead...although I have to say your skits 20 years ago about "Jerry's Kids" were pretty sweet. This is the 21st Century, after all. John Belushi & Chris Farley died of overdoses, remember? Not funny. And please, wear a button-down shirt, a nice tie & a suit to work. Something tasteful. Off the rack from Filene's Basement would be just fine. The tank tops of your Rock Star Impersonation years are probably well behind you, in any event, correctamundo?

On second thought, though, you might want to break out the Spandex during an occasional Senate debate. Someone once said that the difference between a US Senator & a roomful of old furniture is that at least you have to dust the furniture every so often. I don't know...at the age of almost 59, you might appear downright spry in the company of Robert Byrd, John McCain & Teddy Kennedy. Consider saving the Mick Jagger impression for a particularly juicy fillibuster. Just a thought.

Yes, Washingtonians are self-absorbed, self-important, self-promoting blowhards. No getting around that. But I always had the feeling that that's what Dennis Miller thought of you, too. Something about the way he used to purse his lips...like he was sucking on lemons...during your Weekend Update rants.

And no, I don't think it's odd that Minny-SO-tah has elected a comedic has-been as its Junior Senator. I've been in DC so long that I've seen Gopher (The Love Boat) and Sonny (without Cher) take the oath of office, too. And don't forget...The Great Lake State (that would be Minny-SO-tah) was served so well in the '90s by Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura. So one could say that they're really "trading up" by sending you out here. At least comics don't get all sweaty and worked up like pro-wrestlers do. Well, unless you count Dave Chappelle, but that's another story completely.

In closing, Mr. Almost-Senator-Elect (supposedly), I want to wish you the best of luck. And to share one of my favorite quotes, from the movie Fargo. "Didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?" That's Marge Gunderson for ya. Just a little Upper Midwest Humor to send you on your way. You betcha!

Give 'Em Hell when (and if) you get here,

Mrs. Scribe

25 comments:

Veggie Mom said...

Have you shared this with Tracy P. and your other Upper Midwest friends? Love the Minny-SO-tah! And Franken's Spandex is pretty racy, huh? What if he showed up on Capitol Hill dressed like that?

Z's Mom said...

I wish him well...I think he'll do fine. At least he is getting into it for the right reasons.

Plus, he's good enough, he's smart enough....and gosh darnit..people like him!

Amy said...

I must take a stand and insist that Jon Lovitz is not now and never has been funny.

I can totally agree with the rest, though. (=

Lynda said...

"Hi, I'm Al Franken... and you're not!"

Columbia Lily said...

any post that incorporates a quote from Fargo is a post worth reading. =)

Susie said...

Too funny and appropriate!!

Marrdy said...

Very funny!! He can now join Gopher and they can sail the Love Boat in spandex together! Good times!

Tracy P. said...

Yeah, well, I had an open mind about Jesse, and that totally backfired on me. He campaigned a lot smarter and more diplomatically than Franken, and he turned out to be a total embarrassment. So I am not exactly optimistic. Love the letter--I sure hope he takes it to heart!

Typhoid Terri said...

Love the white pants. Wonder if they still fit.

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