Sunday, May 4, 2008

What's Your Sign?

Journey with us back in time, to 2000-2001, When the World was Very Young and we had two Intrepid Journalistas who vowed to perpetrate a little ol' Shock & Awe upon OHHS. They wanted to do horoscopes, with a twist. Needless to say, hilarity ensued.

This past year, one of our Current Journalistas re-instated this honored tradition. The most recent entry appears on "ETC.," that random page near the back which serves as the catch-all humor section of our student newspaper. The recent Random Look at the Galaxy (not it's real name, natch) is enscribed, "For college-bound seniors." So sit back, relax, and feel in tune with yourself and The Universe:

Aries (March 21-April 20): For every college tour you'll go on, you will spend at least 40 dollars on a sweatshirt from a college you won't get into. Give discarded merchandise to the homeless, for it will allow them to sleep undisturbed in the university book store.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): When filling out a roommate survey, "Doing Things" is not an acceptable answer to the question, "What do you do with your free time?" If this is already your answer, a great misfortune will befall you!

Gemini (May 22-June 21): Freshman orientation holds much promise for you. Do not wear flip-flops upon this day.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Every college is "such a party school." You're going to one. Your parents know.

Leo (July 23-August 21): In a Battle Royale between the college mascots (which will be held upon your graduation), bipedal mascots wearing clothing shall always prevail, for they make good use of traps and poison!

Virgo (August 22-September 23): Welcome to college. Rolling backpacks are now socially acceptable. Just kidding!

Libra (September 24-October 23): Regardless of how much you are able to eat, or for that matter, how little, your meal plan will always reflect the opposite.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): To catch a cool, non-crazy roommate, set a trap with a small refrigerator and fresh bread. Wear cool sunglasses.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22): The futons in the student union center will forever be soft, and you will take full advantage of their welcoming jersey slip-covers.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): Beware! Your Facebook bumper stickers reflect poorly upon you! So do the pictures of you conquering a keg twice your weight!

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): No matter what anyone tells you, this was the hardest year to get into college ever. It was only by God's divine will that you were accepted anywhere. Remember this, fellow senior, when you receive your felt degree from an unaccredited school for taxidermy.

Pisces (February 20-March 20): Join one of the 17 a capella groups at your university. Perform to much laughter at all events. Sing songs with awkward sexual undertones at alumni gatherings.

A note from your Intrepid Scribe: No students were harmed in the creation of these Scopes. Credit goes to Amy and Nikki for starting the tradition, and to Beth for picking it up again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=423a40jYGcA


298 comments:

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Tara R. said...

Those are hilarious. I will be sharing these with my college kid. She will get a laugh out of them.

mybellringers said...

Completely off topic and I know you're busy so it's OK not to play, but I tagged you… go to… mybellringers.blogspot.com

Oh, and btw, thanks for the submission to the Carnival of Education this week. --Carol

Melissa B. said...

tara r.: Glad you liked 'em. High School Cherubs do have a sense of humor we all can appreciate--sometimes!

Clix said...

Oh, STINK. You already got tagged. Hmmmm.

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